reaching oblivion: time is a devil

I feel so dead sometimes. Rapid beats of my heart are dulled to soft whispers, the blood in my veins run cold like winter.Thoughts escape to oblivion, memories backtrack lost paths to reach vast emptiness. 

I'm indifferent to emotions.

My lungs are filled with smoke, my once functioned heart slowly turns into stone.

Is this what it feels like? a mind trapped inside a long dead body?

Jumbled up thoughts, i swim in and out of conciousness, the barest of breaths i feel lets me know that I'm still alive and breathing, yet I'm still cold and unfeeling. A strange dichotomy between my mind and body.

Life screams by without me, yelling at me to do something, something i realize time is rushing past, the clock ticks and tocks whilst i sit there, staring at a blank wall doing nothing. I realize I'm lost inside my head again.

I'm standing in the ledge of a wide deep chasm that splits open my hazy memory into dust particles. Here, thoughts would not reach, emotions would slowly disintegrate, consciousness fades away until only this madness reigns supreme. Here, only i exist, without body nor mind nor soul, just me, and my truth. It feels so good sometimes, to be lost in this pandemonium, to not be able to think, just let yourself shut down and block everything out. It's a giddy feeling, it all feels so light,

i think I'm floating.

Sometimes i stay here for too long, seconds, minutes and hours go by, or is it days? I don't truly remember, all i know is this blank space and oblivion.The silence feels so deafening, sometimes i have to press my palms to my ears to keep its noises out.Sometimes i wish i were dead, atleast i won't feel this quiet again.Sometimes there would be a spark,a spark from reality in the vast sea of emptiness, a subtle hint of my returning consciousness.

I'm forcefully slammed back into my own body, reality crashes hard on my back, emotions barrell towards me like bottled ships kissing the shoreline after surviving a raging hurricane. My senses grew heightened, my body hyperventilates, my skin prickles with awarness as if I just survived an electrical storm.

Everything feels too much, my heart pounds too wild, my lungs are breathing too much air,I feel like I'm going to explode in that moment, like an inhuman being existing in the point scope of time.

I realise time is running again, slipping

through my fingertips like grains of sand. Again life is screaming by without me. And I, I just sit there staring off at space in silence and do nothing.

Still processing

~iniya

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